Back2goforward

“I am the sum of all that has come to past before now”

I’ve often had people ask me if I’d change anything about my life and  my response is always the same, “NOPE”.  I know I haven’t made the best choices nor have been happy with the consequences of my decisions, but honestly my life hasn’t been hard.  If anything I’ve lived my life through my choices and no one else’s when it mattered most, when I became an adult.  To me Life is a series of random events and how we ourselves respond to these events, which in turn lead to more random events.  Around the end of 2008 my little brother gave me a call and told me that he had found our biological grandfather, and an older cousin.  Our biological grandfather lives in upstate New York while our blood cousin lives in the Bronx, by Tremont off the D line* which I find rather funny.  I remember he had called me early in the evening and gave me the phone numbers to call, which I quickly wrote it down, but kind of put it off to the side once our call was done.  See while I’ve always know I was adopted and wanted to know about my life prior to adoption, I’ve had more of a laid back approach to actually finding our biological mother.  So thanks to my little brother this story in the series is all because of him, Love you Bro!

I had dinner with my family and off course told my wife that my brother had found blood relatives, but it really wasn’t a discussion to be had.  While my wife is my biggest pain in the ass, also my biggest supporter, this was one subject she would not force.  Later in the evening I decided to call my grandfather.  I didn’t know what to really expect when calling, it didn’t help the Abuelo didn’t speak much english, and I on the other hand while I’m able to speak spanish, when it comes to dealing with emotions, the words in spanish tend to get lost with me.  My conversation with abuelo was short and according to him he only recalled seeing me a few times.  He was very happy to hear from me which I found very welcoming.  One thing though abuelo was expecting me to have news of Pilar (my biological mother), as it turns outs no one has heard from her since around the early 80’s.  After speaking with abuelo I called my cousin in the Bronx, and once again that feeling of welcoming was present.  I spoke with my cousin a bit longer than I had with abuelo, as she told me that she knew my mother and recalls seeing me with her.  I felt strangely happy to receive the welcoming I had received that evening, but still had one more call to make, my tio.  While it was already getting late I had no excuse not to call since there was a two hour time difference so I couldn’t even say it was to late to call, plus my cousin said he was expecting my call.  I called my Uncle and his wife answered.  When I said my name the first thing she told me was that, they had my original birth certificate, I don’t know bout anyone else but that means a whole lot to me.  That’s like proof of my existence, not to say I didn’t exist prior to that but there’s nothing like original documentation.  The birth certificate I have is from 1980 a few years after I was born, so knowing that not only did there exist a birth certificate for me, but it was safeguarded.  I spoke to tio who told me that just the summer before they were in New York and tried to find me as they had done whenever they came to New York.  We spoke for a good forty-five minutes and before hanging up I was given two more phone numbers.  Both numbers were for other uncles, one which lives in Florida and the other in Puerto Rico.  Over the course of one night, and a few hours, my family had increased in size with a few phone calls.

One of the first questions I received when I did my first post on adoption was whether I was Latino by @shiftC which I said yes.  Like knowing that I was always adopted, I always new I was Latino and Cuban to boot, my adoptive family are also Cuban as my biological mother, and my grandfather who also came from Cuba.  What I did find out was that I have part Chinese-Cuban blood flowing through these veins thanks to my grandmother.  As for my biological mother, well she seems to have disappeared sometime in the early 80’s since no one has really heard or seen her since.  It isn’t really a topic of discussion though I personally would like to know.  From what little information I’ve gotten was at one point she got caught up with drugs, also that she got married and moved to Connecticut and had  a daughter giving me a little half-sister around the age of twenty-five or so give or take a few years.

The other day my uncles daughter from Puerto Rico hit me up on facebook requesting me to friend her and it really got me thinking.  She’s only like nineteen or twenty and was ecstatic to have found me, we also spoke on the phone and she had to put her boyfriend on the phone since she’s like me, except with English, when she gets emotional the words are hard to come by.  He told me how she almost cried looking through my facebook profile. This incident makes me look back and think about all the thoughts I had on adoption, I never thought that my family would double in size.  I have still yet to find my bio-mom, but in the process I’ve have found out that I have been living in my biological families thoughts for the past thirty years, while I’ve only thought about my bio-mom.  It goes to show you that going back to the beginning isn’t about one but those who you have touched directly and indirectly, as my cousin who I speak about wasn’t even  born until the 90’s, yet she knows not just about her Aunt (my bio-mom) but me as well.  Para Los Castillo’s gracias por no olvidalme.

*the Bronx, by Tremont off the D line*- anyone true native New Yorker is well aware that when giving directions outside of landmarks its easier to just state what train runs through the are, also Tremont off the D train is where I spent a lot of time hanging out in the early to mid 90’s. Basically hanging out rigaround where I had blood relatives living.

Leave me your thoughts, question, ideas, or even share your story with me, I’d be more than glad to post others stories!

Also trying to find information about finding someone (biological mother), it’s been about 30 years and not one person in the family knows where she is.  Any information on where to begin is appreciated!  Don’t forget to share this post and look at the others have I written on adoption.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

Continue reading

One of the first things as a parent I looked forward to was the moment diapers were no longer part of the shopping list.  I dreaded getting that call at work from the wife, to not forget to get a box of pampers, I swore she must have been using them for origami or something, cause I got that call like every other day.  While my son went up in pamper size I’d cheer and cry at the same time.  I cheered for the fact the the bigger the pamper size the closer we were to parting and saying good bye to pampers forever, it didn’t help that my lil man was a preemie  and size N fit him like an oversized trash bag when he came home.  After every size up I’d cry also, cause the box would get smaller yet the price remained the same, and I swear I was still buying boxes at the same rate.  Anyway soon enough the pamper stage was nothing but a memory (my lil man took about a week to potty train), the next stage which I heard so much about was just beginning, the verbal marathon.

The big difference between the diaper runs and the verbal marathon was the pacing.  The diaper run was like speed racing, which started with a bang, the moment you arrive home with your new born giving you no time to do anything but react, the verbal marathon is quite the opposite starting slow and steady.  This slow and steady pace caught me off guard, I was enthralled and cheered my son on as he began with his first words, which by the way was da, I think the wife is still upset about that.  She feels that after walking around pregnant with him that she earned the rights to his first sound being ma, sorry bout that though, at least you got second place sweetie.  Like any proud parents we cheered him on unaware of what was to come.  Me and the wife kept cheering him on as the verbal marathon continued, thing is we eventually forgot about the marathon.  Our son caught a second wind as he went into the mid stretch of the verbal marathon.  This second wind was unlike the first stretch, where he was just feeling his way, with each and every new word as he mastered and understood them, nah the second stretch was him flexing his verbal mastery.  He was putting together short and simple sentences which was nice, but the sentences went from things such as what he wanted, like, and didn’t like to why.  I’m pretty sure any parent reading this, knows “WHY”, has a tendency to throw a wrench in any conversation, you have with your child.  Nothing worse than being in the middle of some task and telling you child to do something and they respond with why.  Don’t get me wrong, why is great since is show’s you that your child is thinking and trying to make sense of what is happening, but as a parent at times I don’t feel a need for a discussion and having my son just comply with direction would just make things easier, at least for me.  The questions still are raised by my son and we have taken a cheer leading approach to it.  Yes it can be VERY exhausting to cheer your child on during the second stretch of the verbal marathon stage but it’s worth it.  See my son is now seven years old and we continue to cheer him on, we have no idea when this verbal marathon will end or when he’ll go into the last stretch of just cruising to the finish line, at times the questions are fast and furious or just overwhelming we have no immediate response for him, such as when he asked “what is ejaculation?”.

I’ve always been a cheer leader for my son in his verbal marathon not by choice, but more so by habit.  See I’ve never been one to follow the person in front of me just because they were in front.  I guess I got that from one of my sisters growing up, she would end our conversation if she asked me why and my answer was because.  To her it wasn’t about whether my answer was right or wrong but that I be able to explain it in my own words not a teachers words, or the article I may have just read.   She said if your response to something is because is means you truly don’t understand what your saying and might as well just read aloud where you got the information from.  Well that wasn’t exactly what she told me, but, that’s pretty much what I’ve gotten out of it.  So with that thought process every time my son ask a question I see it as his attempt to learn something he doesn’t fully understand.  Instead of giving him a simple answer I respond with a question of my own.  I’m proud to say I don’t often give him a direct answer, actually rarely.  This exchange between us is a learning experience for not only him but myself.  While giving a child or an adult for that matter a direct answer speeds up the exchange between the two, but nothing is learned in the process.  Often I see parents that don’t realize just what their own child knows or are capable of, because every time the child ask a question they rather give an appropriate yet direct response.

Let me use my son as an example, he’s a pretty rational and also an abstract self  thinker in terms of how he goes about doing things.  How do I know this well because when I ask him a question and he gives me a response I ask him why, and how.  This always leads me into some of his abstract thoughts of why, it’s even surprises me since even before asking him why or how I tend to have my thoughts on how or why he got the response he did, but soon after asking him why I am face with a totally different view.  My son is very good in math, he’s in second grade and while his class is doing basic addition and subtraction of three digit numbers, he himself is working on multiplication (he came home and asked me to find a website to help teach him multiplication, I kid you not) and is fully aware of positive and negative number and knows where they go on a number line.  Every now and then I give him random verbal addition question, this particular question came during a commercial break.  I said  ”Hey SLMB, what’s 8+7= come on quick, quick?”  He surely answered quickly with 15.  Yeah he’s working on multiplication but it is always good to back and go through older concepts, sort of like a refresher.  So I asked him how did he know that?  I thought he would say cause he’s memorized adding and subtracting all the smaller number or something to that affect, but what he told me was that “I know 8+8 is 16 so instead of adding he subtracted 1 from 8 because it would give him seven, and he know 8+8=16 so 8+7 would be 15. While my sons response to the question was right I probed him to understand why and how, and it proved that he is not depending on what he has memorized but finding his way to simplify problem for him to solve it, ensuring me that he’s not just giving me a preprogrammed response from memorizing.  This also helps when I ask him other questions, because I can honestly have an idea of how he may think about the question posed to him, making our conversations more engaging.  This helps no matter what subject we may discus with our son.  The only side effect of this is now our son needs to understand everything, thus me and the wife believe this verbal marathon will continue way past into his adulthood.  Which I don’t mind you can’t correct anything with out asking the proper questions.  As long as my son ask questions, he will always be seeking knowledge, and it’s that knowledge that he seeks which he will ultimately base his decisions off of in the future.  So I continue to cheer him on his verbal marathon.

Side note: My son has an extensive library with books on all types of subject matter, we encourage him whether or not the book is age appropriate since we will gladly read it to him, and one of his book is on human anatomy and we’ve gotten up to reproductive section, which he went ahead and looked over himself, bring us to where he found the word ejaculation.  So with that being said question time.

Parents, how would you explain ejaculation to a seven year old?  How do you deal with question marathon stage?  Do you think the verbal marathon is appreciated in school especially in grades two and up?  Let me know what you think!

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

Continue reading

I happened upon a website the other day with a post titled “Do Black Men Prefer Dominican…”, after reading it I found myself at a lost for words in all honesty.  I’m not sure if the purpose of the post was or is to incite this feeling I have, which is by the way is sadness.  The funny thing is that it’s sadness not just for a title but for those who actually participated in the article.  The author of the post does not comment but, instead has three gentlemen which, give their respective thoughts of why they rather date Dominican women.  These three gentlemen are as followed, an attorney, a photographer, and an engineer.  Why specifically Dominican women were chosen, I have no idea except, maybe the fact the many joke around how a Puertorican women will cut you, and as far as Cuban women well I guess Castro has yet to let enough of them out for these gentlemen to pass judgement on then.  I’ll stick to just the Caribbean women as these gentlemen dare not wonder into Central and South America.

First let me get into why the post made me sad.  While my initial response was more along the lines something extremely expletive, and I soon came to a feeling of sadness.  The fact that I am Latino and would be lying if I told you that’s not the picture we paint of our Latina women.  I grew up in Queens, New York, my family was about one of four latino family in an all black neighborhood, and as far back as elementary school I remember most of my friends telling me how they love watching channel 41 and 47 which happen to be our local spanish channels.  None of them knew what was being said on those channels but one thing was clear if you wanted to see hot sexy women you had to look no further.  At eight o’clock the spanish telenovelas would start on both channels, and if I remember correctly Thursdays at around nine or ten would be Los Cacucomicos ( spelling may be off a bit, latinos let me know), which was a spanish comedy show, I guess if I had to compare it with anything it would be like Mad TV, the only difference was the women were alway super hot.  Imagine an everyday house wife being played by an extra sexy women who barely fit the dress she wore.  The sketches would alway involved a hot girl.  So the sadness I felt reading the post on black-men choosing Dominican women is from the fact they we ourselves have help put this stereotype and have subjected our women to this outside view them.  Our latina women aren’t just sexy house wives who know how to take care of a man, no they’re not, and yes that’s the why we have portrayed them.  I know because, that’s why I enjoyed the telenovleas and the variety show, for the same reason my none latino speaking friends did do only difference at least I knew what was being said.

Second reason why reading that post made me sad is for the gentlemen that actually participated in that.  Seriously all they did was show how insecure they really are about themselves, while at the same time painting black women as low life good for nothing, who complains too much for their liking, which is so untrue.  After reading the post it just seems like a wanted ad for a cleaning lady.  There are other social and cultural aspect I could get into about this subject, but I rather not as this time.

So I ask the gentlemen this, do you agree with these gentlemen and their reasoning?  And what would you describe as your ultimate WOMEN, to stand by your side?

Ladies my question for you whether latina, black, or white, and anything in between how do you feel about the description of the perfect women?

Let me know your thoughts!

Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

Continue reading

This here is my third piece on adoption which is two more than in intially planned (here are one and two). To be honest, the first piece turned out totally different from what I expected. Instead of it closing the door and being the first and last chapter on my story about adoption, I came to find out that this book has subsequent chapters which I feel inclined to bring to your local pc monitor or smartphone.

While my blog isn’t viewed by millions (hey it takes time) I’ve been very happy with the responses I’ve received both on and offline.  During this process, I’m learning more about myself, like the fact being adopted has affected me in so many different ways, and its a part my life every single day, and will continue to do so, with no end in sight. I once had an English Professor who told me every story has a reoccuring theme, or themes whether or not it’s easily identified, even authors have themes that show up from one book or story to another even if they don’t acknowledge it. The past, connections, and adoption are my themes, whether it be reflecting or trying to truly trying to understand it’s affect. I’m also realizing that as I write, instead of less there’s more questions that may not really need answers, but just need to be ask out loud. So with that said I’ll keep this post short and leave you with a few words of my own.

I look down the road and see it litered,

Littered with obstacles which I must face, and over come.

Unlike before where I charged ahead looking down

or back while moving forward,

Refusing to look to where I was going,

I now look at the road before me as

challenges that I must faced.

I also realize by looking to far ahead you lose sight of what lies right before you.

As far as where I go with my next piece, I’m not sure, what I do know is that, I’m going to enjoy the road ahead of me that I’m traveling. If you’d like me to take a detour leave me questions and your thoughts, if I don’t answer them right away its because they may become subject matter for future post!

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

Continue reading

One day I was on the bus with my SLMB, where I was going is irrelevant but if it makes you feel better, I forgot.  While on the bus, a few stops later, a lady with her daughter got on. Her daughter was cute as a button, with extra large curls, dressed all in pink, with a matching little purse.  As the mother boarded and reached in her bag for her metro card so did her daughter. There were others who also wanted to board the bus so the mother grabbed her daughter and sat down after paying her fare.

While scene is itself is normal, even I went through that when my lil one was around three.   I think, children enjoy going through all the same motions that adults do, though it can be a bit frustrating when out in public, since they feel the need to complete whatever task at hand regardless of the circumstances.   That was not the issue with the mother and the daughter, the issue started once the bus started moving.

For the sake of this story I’ll give the mother and daughter names.  The mother will be Amanda and the daughter we’ll just call her Suzie, to help make them easy to relate to.   The song and dance that was about to happen is one that I seen before, but it’s the first time my SLMB got a front row seat.

As Amanda try to settle down with Suzie, (taking Public Transportation with a toddler and carriage can be a big ordeal), Suzie continued to rummage through her little purse until she finally fished out her metro card.   Suzie held up her metro card like a winning lotto ticket, and Suzie was about to claim her winnings.   Suzie decide that she knew exactly what to do with her metro card and felt she needed no assistance.   Suzie did the toddler turn-a-round and slide on your stomach to get off her seat (if you have kids you know that move), which Amanda promptly sat her back.   Little adorable Suzie was not happy, and she would let the entire bus know it also.   As Suzie began to cry, Amanda did what so many other parents including myself have done.   Amanda try to give Suzie a toy which promptly ended up on the floor.   With the toy on the floor Suzie began to cry even louder, with screams of “NO” and “I WANT GO”, Amanda began going down the list. First the toy, then the quiet talk, yeah the one where parents whisper saying look you don’t want people to see you being bad, she tried a snack, even sat Suzie on her lap.   As Amanda continued down the list Suzie would kick and scream louder and even began to fight back.  All the while, my son would keep glancing back and fourth between Suzie and me of all people.   My response was to my son was just to shrug my shoulders.   Amanda and Suzie battled for about ten minutes.   Suzie wore Amanda down, forcing her to walk her over while the bus was moving, so that she could use her metro card.

First, I am no professional when it comes to parenting nor am I a psychologist, but I blame Amanda for Suzie behavior.  Like I said this is not the first time I’ve seen this same episode, I’ve seen it too many times, yet it always ends that same, with the parent tapping out saying “UNCLE”.

As parents we see our children as babies incapable of properly communicating with us, and not knowing any better.   News flash: They know, it is the parent who doesn’t understand the child, and they are communicating with us before they even say a word.   How is that so you may ask well it’s simple our first response to others is from what we see.   If some one approaches you with a smile your more likely to smile back, why, it’s you communicating with that person without speaking.  How bout this, if you happen to bump into some one who does not share your language tell them the saddest story you have with a smile.   They will not know what you’re saying, but they will smile back, and vice versa.  So Amanda by whispering to Suzie with a gentle smile, is giving her the wrong message.   This is a rather small thing to correct with children, though many parents think they have to yell and have the meanest face to show that they are not happy, this type of parent is also wrong.  Amanda just needs to speak sternly with a facial expression to match.

The biggest issue with Amanda and Suzie is that Amanda has shown Suzie it takes some time to get what see wants.  Children like adults live by routines.   Suzie knows if she continues to cry she will get what she wants, and Amanda has taught her that. If Suzie has never gotten what she want from kicking and screaming what purpose would she have to do it then.   Amanda has given that behavior a purpose.   For Amanda to change that she would have to not give in once she has said NO.   Once Suzie realizes that NO means she will not get it, she will find other ways of getting it, which hopefully are more constructive.   There are ways to get rid of unwanted behaviors, but first parents need to be aware of what they are really teaching their children.

---

I have shared this story with several of the parents that I follow on twitter below you will read their perspective on the same situation.

---

@nycitymama
Well, a couple of things here. Saying no, for the sake of no is wrong. I believe Amanda is sending mixes messages here.  She let’s Suzie walk around with a little purse, she even has her own metro card to feel like “a big girl”, yet when Suzie wants to act like a big girl, Amanda let’s the stress of the moment take over and denies her the experience.

What Amanda needs to do is make sure Suzie has her metro card ready, like a big girl, or just take it away all together.

I’m not sure I’m the best for giving parental advice, especially when dealing with tantrums, but I am learning that rules with no reason or understanding, are as if there were no rules at all. Even though they are small children they deserve to understand the reason of things.

I recently wrote about a program I discovered to improve communication between my children and myself. I hope that Amanda took the time to talk to Suzie about the bus incident. We will never know. But allowing her to swipe the card would have avoided the whole mess for sure.

Carol Cain
Founder, Publisher
The Adventures of a NYCity Mama
www.nycitymama.com

Managing Editor
NY Metropolista
www.nymetropolista.com

---

@kidlution

The scenario you describe is a classic. Only there is a slight twist.  Tantrums can be ignited when a child’s wants/needs/desires are thwarted.  Parents may have to thwart their kid’s desires for very good reasons, such as a toddler trying to cross a road, a kid wanting to eat cookies before dinner, a kid wanting to stay up past his bedtime.

Other times, a child’s wants/needs/desires may be thwarted not because what she wants is dangerous, inappropriate or unacceptable, but, because it is inconvenient for the parent.  Such is the case you describe.

This child clearly had very goal-oriented behavior (getting her Metro card out of her mini-purse) and was attempting to imitate the behavior of her main role-model, her mother.  I think that the thwarting of that goal is what led to this outburst. This child was not going to stop until she got what she wanted, or her mother made it clear that it was a non-negotiable issue.  Clearly, we see who won out.

The kid was in tantrum mode and the mom likely was experiencing a flood of emotions herself (embarrassment, irritation, anger) and may have given-in to the child for a variety of reasons that we can’t even begin to guess at. Maybe she thought, “I have to get this kid to be quiet so as not to disturb the other passengers. I have tried every trick in the book. I’m going to give in so I can keep the peace for the sake of my bus mates.”

Either way, you are right in your thoughts that the mom has just reinforced for the daughter that she only needs to tantrum a little louder, a little longer to get what she wants. The fireworks might get bigger the next time.

Fortunately, this is one of those situations in which the problem could have been avoided altogether. When we as parents recognize and accept the fact that life just “takes longer” when we have little ones in tow, we can slow down just a little to let kids do the things that they need to learn how to do. This was a missed opportunity for the child to get a sense of satisfaction over having located her Metro card and swiped it across the meter….”just like mama did.” While it may have taken 1-2 more minutes from the outset, it would have saved time in the long run.

Fortunately for parents, just like kids, we have the opportunity to do it different next time, if the way we just did it didn’t work out so well. For some, the learning curve is much bigger than others.

Read more about
“How to Tame a Tantrum”

Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD, is a mom of 3 school-aged children and a Child & Family Therapist in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. She consults to numerous early childhood programs, including Head Start and Early Head Start. She is the founder of
“Kidlutions: Solutions for Kids” and the creator of the “Spin-Doctor Parenting Blog”. She is passionate about helping parents deal with challenging, difficult and intense children.

---

@jaimami
As a first time mom, I can say that I don’t think anyone can prepare you what being “mami” means. As soon as my son learned how to walk and talk (and talk back!) I was just floored. Hate if you want to but I plan my outings around my child’s schedule. Why? To avoid an incident like that lady on the bus. Because I just don’t have time for it. Here’s my secret to minimizing tantrums in public. And yes he has trained me well!

If your child still naps…plan your outing after naptime. Bring their favorite toy with them to occupy their time. I have always taken my son out to stores even as an infant and he’s always done very well for this reason. Plus he’s naturally curious, always has been, so he entertains himself by checking out his surroundings. Also, he brings what he calls his “jet pack” which is a backpack full of his favorite toys of the moment, sometimes his blankie and snacks. Snacks are always good to keep cranky children well behaved.

Master “the speech”. This is what I tell him in the car before we enter a store. He’s not even three yet and knows it by heart. Here goes: mami: are you going to behave? Booba: yes Mami: are you going to sit in the cart? Booba: yes. Mami: Are you going to listen? Booba: yes, I will be patient. And yes, he says the word patient!

So my two cents…Suzie needed a nap! But the way I see it, Amanda should have just avoided all the drama by letting Suzie swipe her card too. She could have prepared by going on the bus last, or giving her some sort of “the speech” prior to getting on the bus. Trust me people, it works!

Janice “Jai” Correa
www.Mamistimeout.com

---

Parents tell me how would you deal with Amanda? Do you agree with points stated by myself and guest speakers?

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

Continue reading

children, family, feelings, life lessons, Parenting

Dear Pilar “Pepsi” C.,

Hello, hope this letter reaches you and finds you in good spirits.  How’s everything going with you? You may not remember  me, but its not like I remember you either. Sorry, for being so rude, who am I? I’m your child. Yes, I am your flesh and blood. Its been a long time since we shared words, in fact its been about thirty years. I often wonder if you ever look back as I have, and just wondered, at least once if I’m doing okay.  I have, just about everyday of my life, I’ve wondered where the hell are you, have you lost sleep over me, do you pray, and if so I’m I in those prayers?

I want to know if you have ever walked by someone around my age and saw a glimpse of yourself, and wondered if it could be me you just walked by, I know I have, matter of fact I’ve walked around looking at people just to see if I could find just a hint of myself out there, even had a few close calls when I’ve walk by someone old enough to have mothered me with a slight resemblance, but in those moments I catch myself unable to approach you, if that is you to begin with.  I’ve thought of what would I say to you if it did happen to be you.  Honestly, it use to be “f**k you”, but I no longer look for strange faces in crowds to identify with.

Just like a child I moved from one stage in life to the next aided by none other than time herself.  I’ve had thoughts or walking up to your door and ringing the bell and in that moment I’d realized that the only thing that separates us would be nothing more than a door.  As I await for a response, that door would slowly turn into a big heavy bank vault door, thick and impenetrable.  Leaving me at the mercy of your choice, of opening or ignoring me.  A choice for you to make, which, after years has left me little hope that in this situation you’d open up.  If by chance you do open, what would I do, what would I say, and how would I feel.  Would I greet you with a warm smile, would I call you all types of names, or maybe, right at the moment when you reach for the door handle to open, I’d turn around and walk away, never looking back.  What would you do?  Would you leave me to stand outside with no intentions of letting me in like a traveling salesman, or invite me in for once.  Would you recognize me with out me saying a word or would I have to explain who I am, only to see a look of indifference on your face.  Would you reach out to me and hold me as if your life depended on it, letting me know that my feelings of the anger I grew up with  for you, were misplaced.  Or just maybe we’d both look at one another and begin to cry together.

One moment, the moment I dream and live for has yet to happen, and time continues.  I’m now a parent myself, which has filled me with more questions. Are you alive, are you well, would you be happy with the kind of parent I’ve become, would you be proud of me, would you live and die for your grand child?

Pilar, is your name. A name which means everything yet means nothing what-so-ever. Your name is like a book who’s title I know yet, have never read, nor can I read since it’s written in a forgotten language.  You, Pilar are the only one who can tell me about this hear book which I’ve carried through out my life and will continue to do so.  I send this out to you Pilar where ever you may be.

Signed your flesh and blood

---

Pass this along and share with others, who knows you may end up helping me find Pilar “Pepsi” Castillo

---

If you missed the first post on the subject of adoption check out this post  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

Continue reading

Life, Me, pay it forward

Early today @HarlemWriter posted this question, which has started me thinking about some of the issues that afflict us as people. First let me state I am not superstitious , so this quote really speaks to me, as it’s a question I’ve asked myself many times. While I’m not the one to knock any one for their beliefs and this post isn’t to bad mouth superstitions as I call it, though others use the word religion. This here is to just take a look at our short comings, when things are good or bad it’s always fate or destiny that’s responsible.

While I do agree that there are things that are out of our control, which we have no hand in, such as what is going on in Haiti right now at the moment, but there’s just too many things which we attribute to the great big book or the ever watching being in the sky. Just look at one of the millions of award shows. Every time someone receives an award they give thanks to some unseen power.   When people here of some of my trails and tribulations in life, the first response I get is you better thank the lord, which usually leaves me with a confused look. This face seems to catch them off guard, if not my response really shocks them. “Why”, I asked them, which they say, you should, he’s your maker! More often than not I leave it alone and cut the conversation short, other times I just can’t help but ask them about my work my effort to change or not get caught up in something negative, is not me struggling, earn me the right to take credit instead of passing it along to some else no matter who it is.  I’m I not strong enough to over come the adversity which I am faced with.  Should I, no matter happens to me in my life, I say and attribute everything to my parents negating the fact that I myself I made my decisions.

I don’t nor can I accept that I don’t control my destiny, and who I’m I to knock you for your struggles which you have overcome by redirecting who’s responsible. I’m not a passenger, or a back seat driver. I grow from my experiences, learn from my mistakes, all which help define me.

I think the higher being is just an escape goat for many to some how rationalize the have and have nots in life.  To some how excuse what we rather not deal with and pass the puck along.  Look at your local news when the next celebrity, athlete, or politician gets caught cheating.  First thing you hear is “I’ve betrayed the sanctity of my marriage”, nah bull’ you got caught thinking with your third leg, and now that you’ve been caught you claim a moment of weakness. Tell me, when was the last time any off these individuals set up a news conference to say “I’d like interrupt your program and tell you I’ve done something, I shouldn’t have done and I want to tell you and my wife I’ve been spending money on call girls”. That won’t happen. I’m not saying we shouldn’t forgive, but not because the powers that be says it’s the right thing to do, or cause you mention you had a “moment of weakness” which always implies the good lord.  Let’s all hold not only others but ourselves accountable for what we do. If I’ve worked hard not only do I deserve the credit, but I want it.  If I happen to make some bad choices don’t accept that its because I’m not ready for and there’s some big plan and when the time is right I will learn my lesson.

So let me know what you think about fate and destiny!

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

Continue reading

Rant

Below you will find two letters each written by two seperate people. The first one is written by me.  It happens to be a letter I wrote some time ago and decided to update a little. The second is by @kikicatt a follower I have on twitter, we’ve traded emails emails in the past, and she has shared some photography work with me.  Some of the posts I have that feature her work can be found here and here. You can also find her blog here.  I sent her my original draft and the idea behind the letter, and asked her if she’d like to write a response letter which she agreed to.  So what you have below is our joint effort.  Hope you enjoy.

---

To my First Love,

I met you in high school, to say it was Love at first sight doesn’t begin to describe the feeling.  You were older than me, not that it mattered.  You showed me wonderful things.  It was an experience of a life-time, but I was young and though I loved you, I felt no ties to you.  See, my love, you and my youth had me with eyes wide open, wanting everything I saw, I could not close them again.  You showed me life.  You had showed me that the road before me was open and unobstructed, so I couldn’t just focus on you.  As, in everything in life, I went through my wild stage with little to no regards on repercussions, yet you stood beside me.

Years after my first encounter with you, you have stood beside me, always there, no matter what, even when I paid you little and often no attention at all.  After falling, stumbling, and crawling back, you always welcomed me back with open arms.  As I grew old, one would have thought I’d change, but even through out my mid life crisis, I have done you wrong.

I sit here in my rocker, just wondering of all the things I have been through and seen, yet, you manage to have always been there right beside me.  Never once did you scold me, never once did you deny me, and always accepted me with open arms.  I, blame you for me not changing, maybe, had you denied me just once, then maybe, I would have change to become a better man for you.

I now realize the errors of my ways, though, gone are those years when not only you were my first love, but also gone are those years when I did you wrong which I can not take back.    I look at you know and still  see, you are as beautiful as the day I met you, and me, well I’m the shell of what I could have been.  The road which you showed me then, is not the same when looking back now.  Just wanted to say I’m sorry.

Love you Always,

Anonymous

---

For me it was love at first sight. When we first met I bubbled over in the newness of your fresh and beautiful face. Seeing you take your first youthful dance with life and enjoying all that the world had to offer will be something that will stay with me forever.

I remember in those early years when your falls were the hardest, cutting and scraping wounds into your heart that not even I could protect you from. So many times I stood by with clenched fists when my whispered warnings went ignored, I could only stand by with tears in my eyes. Yet I understood that you needed to absorb your pain, to take in every gritty lesson…your way. You needed that time to be free, time to go out to search for yourself – and you grew with each and every step. All along I knew this, and over the years it made me love you even more.

Yes, you have left me so many times and yet my arms were always left open for your safe return. Now, with so many years lived, we are left quietly alone together in the stillness of your twilight years.

As you sit now reflecting from your wintry rocker, I see the lifelines that run deeply throughout your still handsome face. Each furrowed line etches a meaningful chapter in the years of your life. Every line tells tales of love, heartbreak, lessons, and a long full journey.

The glistening silver that shines from your unshaven beard is a reminder of what little time you left. In your final hours I will climb onto your quilt-covered lap and lace my fingers into yours and wait for your final breath to let out. And while I wait, I’ll bring my lips to your ear for one last time and softly whisper, “I am your lifetime. Your one true love.”

---

Please be aware aware pictures are copyrighted

and in no way are my property.
They may not redistributed, copied or reprinted
with out proper consent from the photographer.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

Continue reading

age, life lessons, Love, time

Well I’ve been pleasantly surprised with the replies I’ve received not just via comments on this here blog, but through family and friends who have read my post My Life in Motion, Adoption: Back2goforward. My post even manage to show up on another bloggers site. I chose to share with those who care to indulge with me, my thoughts and feeling at times, and this is the first time I’ve shared something so close to my heart, and it  leaves me with a little bit of a bad taste.   While I haven’t been blogging long at all I’ve met some wonderful people, and have learned more or less there are some simple rules to abide by.  Check out this here
copyright law 12 dos and donts

I won’t lie when I first realized that someone had taken enough interest in my story  to write a post of their own expressing their thoughts on my post I was happy, and even responding by commenting and saying hello, I didn’t bother to check out how much the person had copied and paste, until I commented a second time on the post, when I realized the author practically copied the entire post, about 92% of my post was copied and paste, which I feel was not really needed for the author to capture the essence of my post.  The author of the blog basically wrote an intro talking about a story she found elsewhere added my link then pasted a majority of my post.  Nope she did not quote nor shorten it up in any manner.  The author ended it with a brief comment and posed a question to her readers.  What author ends up is with 88 words which are hers and 851 words which is my post.  If you ask me, the author could have just left me a comment on my site.  Lets not forget that if it weren’t for a plugin on wordpress that lets me know when another site links to mine I would have never known.

So my question to all and especially other bloggers, do you think the author copied too much, here’s the link for the site and post in question, or do you think I’m just being anal about the whole issue?  For a copy of my post check out the first link in this post.

UPDATE:
A mere two hours after this post going live and sending a second email, which the one first went out on friday, and went unanswered, the author has removed the post, left a comment, and responded to my email.
This was never my intention as I had expressed in my unanswered email, that I just wanted my text to be used as excerpts not flat out copy and paste, and looked forward to evening doing a joint post with the author.

  Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2010 Matthew Ciscart

Continue reading

blogging, copyright