“I am the sum of all that has come to past before now”
I’ve often had people ask me if I’d change anything about my life and my response is always the same, “NOPE”. I know I haven’t made the best choices nor have been happy with the consequences of my decisions, but honestly my life hasn’t been hard. If anything I’ve lived my life through my choices and no one else’s when it mattered most, when I became an adult. To me Life is a series of random events and how we ourselves respond to these events, which in turn lead to more random events. Around the 2009-2010 my little brother gave me a call and told me that he had found our biological grandfather, and an older cousin. Our biological grandfather lives in upstate New York while our blood cousin lives in the Bronx, by Tremont off the D line* which I find rather funny. I remember he had called me early in the evening and gave me the phone numbers to call, which I quickly wrote it down, but kind of put it off to the side once our call was done. See while I’ve always know I was adopted and wanted to know about my life prior to adoption, I’ve had more of a laid back approach to actually finding our biological mother. So thanks to my little brother this story in the series is all because of him, Love you Bro!
I had dinner with my family and off course told my wife that my brother had found blood relatives, but it really wasn’t a discussion to be had. While my wife is my biggest pain in the ass, also my biggest supporter, this was one subject she would not force. Later in the evening I decided to call my grandfather. I didn’t know what to really expect when calling, it didn’t help the Abuelo didn’t speak much english, and I on the other hand while I’m able to speak spanish, when it comes to dealing with emotions, the words in spanish tend to get lost with me. My conversation with abuelo was short and according to him he only recalled seeing me a few times. He was very happy to hear from me which I found very welcoming. One thing though abuelo was expecting me to have news of Pilar (my biological mother), as it turns outs no one has heard from her since around the early 80′s. After speaking with abuelo I called my cousin in the Bronx, and once again that feeling of welcoming was present. I spoke with my cousin a bit longer than I had with abuelo, as she told me that she knew my mother and recalls seeing me with her. I felt strangely happy to receive the welcoming I had received that evening, but still had one more call to make, my tio. While it was already getting late I had no excuse not to call since there was a two hour time difference so I couldn’t even say it was to late to call, plus my cousin said he was expecting my call. I called my Uncle and his wife answered. When I said my name the first thing she told me was that, they had my original birth certificate, I don’t know bout anyone else but that means a whole lot to me. That’s like proof of my existence, not to say I didn’t exist prior to that but there’s nothing like original documentation. The birth certificate I have is from 1980 a few years after I was born, so knowing that not only did there exist a birth certificate for me, but it was safeguarded. I spoke to tio who told me that just the summer before they were in New York and tried to find me as they had done whenever they came to New York. We spoke for a good forty-five minutes and before hanging up I was given two more phone numbers. Both numbers were for other uncles, one which lives in Florida and the other in Puerto Rico. Over the course of one night, and a few hours, my family had increased in size with a few phone calls.
One of the first questions I received when I did my first post on adoption was whether I was Latino by @shiftC which I said yes. Like knowing that I was always adopted, I always new I was Latino and Cuban to boot, my adoptive family are also Cuban as my biological mother, and my grandfather who also came from Cuba. What I did find out was that I have part Chinese-Cuban blood flowing through these veins thanks to my grandmother. As for my biological mother, well she seems to have disappeared sometime in the early 80′s since no one has really heard or seen her since. It isn’t really a topic of discussion though I personally would like to know. From what little information I’ve gotten was at one point she got caught up with drugs, also that she got married and moved to Connecticut and had a daughter giving me a little half-sister around the age of twenty-five or so give or take a few years.
The other day my uncles daughter from Puerto Rico hit me up on facebook requesting me to friend her and it really got me thinking. She’s only like nineteen or twenty and was ecstatic to have found me, we also spoke on the phone and she had to put her boyfriend on the phone since she’s like me, except with English, when she gets emotional the words are hard to come by. He told me how she almost cried looking through my facebook profile. This incident makes me look back and think about all the thoughts I had on adoption, I never thought that my family would double in size. I have still yet to find my bio-mom, but in the process I’ve have found out that I have been living in my biological families thoughts for the past thirty years, while I’ve only thought about my bio-mom. It goes to show you that going back to the beginning isn’t about one but those who you have touched directly and indirectly, as my cousin who I speak about wasn’t even born until the 90′s, yet she knows not just about her Aunt (my bio-mom) but me as well. Para Los Castillo’s gracias por no olvidalme.
*the Bronx, by Tremont off the D line*- anyone true native New Yorker is well aware that when giving directions outside of landmarks its easier to just state what train runs through the are, also Tremont off the D train is where I spent a lot of time hanging out in the early to mid 90′s. Basically hanging out rigaround where I had blood relatives living.
Leave me your thoughts, question, ideas, or even share your story with me, I’d be more than glad to post others stories!
Also trying to find information about finding someone (biological mother), it’s been about 30 years and not one person in the family knows where she is. Any information on where to begin is appreciated! Don’t forget to share this post and look at the others have I written on adoption.
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Wow – this is fantastic and kind of crazy. It seems like so many members of your biological family want to know you!
I think it’s great that they want to find you and know you, too. I’m always pulling for you. Every time I read about your experience with adoption it reminds me to be mindful of Maddie and how my intrusiveness in her life might still cause some pain even though she sought me out (which I waited for! I was nervous she never would!).
You need this and lots of hugs and tons of patience.
Yes, it has been an exciting ride to say the least. I’ve always felt lucky with the life I have had, but to experience, and meet people for the first time that talk to you like you just been gone a little to long, who are happy to have you back, is a great feeling. Thanks @Mocha and @harrietglynn for stopping bye. I still believe I have more to tell about this who life experience of mine and also the journey to find Pilar continues.
When I worked for CPS, I went to a training designed to connect children with their biological family. Our department was HUGE on making sure children were placed w family rather than foster care.
However, I’m a little unsure. I don’t think foster care is “wonderful”, but every now and then you get true humanitarians who genuinely care about the children in their care. On the other hand, I’ve heard numerous stories about children uprooted from foster care and being placed with an extended bio family member only to feel misplaced or unloved.
We cannot change the past, but do you think your life would have been drastically different if you were to have known about your bio family when you were 10? 15? and even later?
Also, now that you have this new information do you feel more connected with your family? Do you plan to establish solid connections with them?
How have you talked to your son about your life/current findings?
lol I know these are a ton a questions, and some answers seem rather obvious. However, we’re told never to assume! I want your answers!
Chandra
Hey @shiftC, I give your questions a go.
1. “do you think your life would have been drastically different if you were to have known about your bio family when you were 10? 15? and even later?”
Yes and no, since I can not say to what extend knowing my bio family would have change my life, and whether I’d be able to say it would be a drastic change if it had happen when I was younger. The reason I would say yes is like everyone else, people go through phases, and I went through phases that I can clearly point out. I blamed myself for being adopted at one point, another time I hated my bio-mom and wanted nothing more to have been able to tell her to honestly go fuck herself, had I met my bio family at the point, I don’t think my reasoning skills would have let me attempt to get some type of relationship with them since I’d justify that mother didn’t care and they didn’t really care either no matter what they would have said at that point in time. Time has afforded me the opportunity to go through these stages at my own pace. Do be aware I no time in the past did I think about the bio- family, it’s been about my bio-mother. At this point in my life I’m not looking for family but rather information and I’m lucky to have found a family. To have a cousin who has never known you and also happens to be, to younger to have met or ever seen you, yet grow up knowing of and about you, and my bio-mom who she’s also never met is very emotional.
2. Also, now that you have this new information do you feel more connected with your family? Do you plan to establish solid connections with them?
Connected! yes I’d used the word connected, I never thought about finding “my Family”, as I already have one which is the best might I add, my reasons for my quest for my bio-mom have changed as time passed, at first I just wanted to give her a few choice words, then to at least thank her for giving me life and let her know, that I’m good. So finding a family is like going shopping to the supermarket and finding out you won a brand new car fully paid taxes included. The family is a pleasant surprise, and yes I’m happy, but the purpose of the trip was the groceries. I will love to stay connected with the family, and have so far. When given the chance I’d like to see them all. Especially the elders who do not everything about me but have little stories of me that I never heard, from my early years.
3.How have you talked to your son about your life/current findings?
I haven’t spoken about adoption, but he has met my bio-family in the Bronx and we introduce them like family. He ask about my bio-family and they ask about him. As long as they welcome me, I welcome them into my life. I haven’t told him that I am adopted since little has really changed. In my family I currently have about 22 nieces and nephews more than likely i’m missing a few, so my son has over 22 cousins on my side alone. Has he met every single one, does he remembers every single one yes and no, so what’s a few more. To me the important thing is that he understand family is about the bonds we build. I have always had a family and blood was never part of the equation. Do I purposely keep the adoption talk from him, nope the word is now used freely in my house, and my son has been brought up to ask questions, which me and my wife trying to answer as best as possible.
Closing thoughts @ShiftC you are band from asking questions, nah I enjoy your questions. As for children being placed with bio-families and not feeling love or fitting in, is hard, but one has to look at why children feel that way. I’m just playing devil’s advocate hear. I was adopted at around 5 so I understood that there was always order in the form of what can and can’t be done. Case in point growing when my moms took me and my brother out for sneakers, I’d always let my brother pick out shoes first and then pick out a pair that were either the same price range or less. To me I felt that if he couldn’t get the $75 kicks then even though I was older I couldn’t get them either. I could say the he got more love than me, but as an adult it’s not true. So what I say is children go into situation such as change of living environment where like it or not rules changes and that change for them can lead to feeling like unwanted, and those that run the household don’t realize this. I always thought my brother was the favorite, yet know I realize that while he go away with stuff I couldn’t mom loved us equally and pushed us differently since we are two separate people. Also adults in these situations are pretty much change type of lives they have for these accommodation, which takes time. I think whether it be adoption, foster care, or staying with bio-fam that all participants should undergo some sort of therapy.