Dear Pilar “Pepsi” C.,
Hello, hope this letter reaches you and finds you in good spirits. How’s everything going with you? You may not remember me, but its not like I remember you either. Sorry, for being so rude, who am I? I’m your child. Yes, I am your flesh and blood. Its been a long time since we shared words, in fact its been about thirty years. I often wonder if you ever look back as I have, and just wondered, at least once if I’m doing okay. I have, just about everyday of my life, I’ve wondered where the hell are you, have you lost sleep over me, do you pray, and if so I’m I in those prayers?
I want to know if you have ever walked by someone around my age and saw a glimpse of yourself, and wondered if it could be me you just walked by, I know I have, matter of fact I’ve walked around looking at people just to see if I could find just a hint of myself out there, even had a few close calls when I’ve walk by someone old enough to have mothered me with a slight resemblance, but in those moments I catch myself unable to approach you, if that is you to begin with. I’ve thought of what would I say to you if it did happen to be you. Honestly, it use to be “f**k you”, but I no longer look for strange faces in crowds to identify with.
Just like a child I moved from one stage in life to the next aided by none other than time herself. I’ve had thoughts or walking up to your door and ringing the bell and in that moment I’d realized that the only thing that separates us would be nothing more than a door. As I await for a response, that door would slowly turn into a big heavy bank vault door, thick and impenetrable. Leaving me at the mercy of your choice, of opening or ignoring me. A choice for you to make, which, after years has left me little hope that in this situation you’d open up. If by chance you do open, what would I do, what would I say, and how would I feel. Would I greet you with a warm smile, would I call you all types of names, or maybe, right at the moment when you reach for the door handle to open, I’d turn around and walk away, never looking back. What would you do? Would you leave me to stand outside with no intentions of letting me in like a traveling salesman, or invite me in for once. Would you recognize me with out me saying a word or would I have to explain who I am, only to see a look of indifference on your face. Would you reach out to me and hold me as if your life depended on it, letting me know that my feelings of the anger I grew up with for you, were misplaced. Or just maybe we’d both look at one another and begin to cry together.
One moment, the moment I dream and live for has yet to happen, and time continues. I’m now a parent myself, which has filled me with more questions. Are you alive, are you well, would you be happy with the kind of parent I’ve become, would you be proud of me, would you live and die for your grand child?
Pilar, is your name. A name which means everything yet means nothing what-so-ever. Your name is like a book who’s title I know yet, have never read, nor can I read since it’s written in a forgotten language. You, Pilar are the only one who can tell me about this hear book which I’ve carried through out my life and will continue to do so. I send this out to you Pilar where ever you may be.
Signed your flesh and blood
Pass this along and share with others, who knows you may end up helping me find Pilar “Pepsi” Castillo
If you missed the first post on the subject of adoption check out this post
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Thank you for sharing this part of you. Many of us don’t know what it’s like to not know our very own flesh and blood. I hope that your journey comes full circle when the door finally opens revealing the face that bears your resemblance. *hugs*
Thanks, though as I get older I realize that just maybe the search for what’s on the other side is not as important than me just letting go of some of these emotions, and that I do through these sudden writings.
When ever you write something that has affected you so much, I seriously try to imagine what you’ve been through. The way you write is like watching a movie.
I think it takes guts to write about your past and about what you’ve been through. These posts are very emotional and inspirational. Thanks for sharing again.
The hardest part isn’t the writing but actually sharing it with others. Though I’m not read by millions the responses I get back mean a lot. So like always thanks and don’t forget to share with others
This was a very touching and heartfelt post. I do hope you get to have a moment with your mother so you can try to get some questions answered.
By the way, I really like your new layout.
I hope I have that moment too, think it would help me clear some unresolved issues.
Matt, I absolutely know that you will one day come full circle, be it in this life or another. You see, I do believe that is a higher power or possibly higher powers, and it would seem so futile,to me,that we should yearn for something so much and our questions not be answered.But again, let me reiterate, we may not receive our answers within the time constraits that we are familiar with. We need to believe! It’s purpose!
This was such a heart felt post Matt!
As a mother, I want to hold you and remind you of how GREAT you are, that you are a wonderful person, that I am proud of you for being able to express yourself and even more proud of the Father you are. I know it is not the same as hearing it from “Pilar” but with all my heart I hope you can find some solace in these words because you ARE all of these things and more.
*Hugs*
Thanks sweet heart glad you stop by to read my musing, I always thankful for the kind words!
Keep writing. Keep posting. Keep connecting. It helps, and it’s a great story and it’s real and it’s wonderful whether you “find” Pilar or not, you’ll find something else by putting your feelings and experiences out there. As a new adoptive parent it’s important for me to hear the real experiences of adoptees. I find being a parent through adoption the most incredible experience to date. It’s broken my heart side open and widened my world.
Thank’s, an yes sharing my thoughts has been a very positive experience in general for me. I guess I equate it with self therapy which I’ve needed, yet fail to realize. I really like to chat with you about your own experience.
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